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The Pilot

Episode One, Season One

Original air date: 11-8-2001

The Pilot

The Tick vs. The Red Scare is the pilot episode for the new, live-action Tick series on Fox. It initially premiered on November 1st, 2001 to mixed reviews. Many of the die-hard Tick fans loved the show, while many of the 'normals' didn't get many of the jokes.

In essence, the start of the show was pretty good. It managed to introduce all of the main characters (The Tick, Arthur, Batmanuel, and Captain Liberty) and get in a villain (The Red Scare). Unforutnately, the show wasn't very polished and therefore there were some moments that were painfully unfunny...

The basic premise of the episode it that The Tick is new to the city and while he's stumbling around looking for evil he hears what he believes to be a damsel in distress. The damsel turns out to be Arthur who is about to be Metcalfed by a group of Russians seeking to overthrow the U.S. Postal system by setting their evil killer robot The Red Scare loose on an unsuspecting Postmaster General. Tick manages to thwart their evil plans in front of a backdrop of Batmanuel and Captian Liberty being distracted by each other.

Download a complete unofficial transcript of this episode in PDF from this site.

This episode features these Superheroes: The Tick, Arthur, Batmanuel, The Cape and Captain Liberty.

This episode features these Supervillains: The Red Scare and Apocalypse Cow.

The Red Scare

The Red Scare!


The Tick:

The life of the superhero is a lonely one, filled with hardship and danger. The few who answer the call must leave comfort, safety, and often sanity behind.
He stands in silence; stoic, godlike.
So, vending menace we meet again…
Empty your bladder of that bitter black urine men call coffee! It has a price and that price has been paid!
Java devil, you are now my bitch.

You don't know what you'll do without me.
No need to thank me. It's my sworn duty to defend this bus station against the ravages of evil.
Goodbye plucky, pimply teen. I think you're ready to hear the truth. This wasn't a magic hubcap, the magic was within you all along.
Destiny honks the horn of gotta go.
Wicked men, you face the Tick!
From this day forth I will spread my buttery justice over your every nook and cranny! Hear me O City, my City; your toast will never go unbuttered again!
Oh, awkward moment...
Sorry, there, mothman. Didn't mean to interrupt, although I would like a slice of your righteous combat pie.
Easy, there, bad cop.
Too late we learn that communism does not pay. So, don't have a snappy, Soviet comeback for that one do we?
Gravity is a harsh mistress.
A secret message from my teeth!
Arthur! Evil is afoot and hoofing it with dark gusto!
Fight fire with Arthur!


They may call us an accountant, but we can't deny out true natures…even if all of our relatives tell us we're good at math.
I am more than just a mild-mannered accountant.
I am going to become a superhero! ...You know...part time at first...
It's really more of a moth thing.
Well, it's been a shattering disillusionment. Goodnight.
But I don't want to poop with a machine!

Mr. Fishladder:

Crime fights back!
Remember the lesson of Metcalfe!
The poor bastard needs a machine…to poop!
You're either a man on the job or an idiot in a bunny suit.

Bartender from Lonely Panda:

Suit doesn't do a lot for you. Make you look like a Easter bunny.
Easter bunny cannot fly.
I think he's going to fall down a lot and die.


You certainly do your best work undercover…
She fears the demons I have awakened in her womanly places…
Don't fight like a girl, Janet! Fight like a woman!

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© 2002 Michael Legg unless specifically noted.
All Tick images are owned by New England Comics, Fox, and Ben Edlund